Preparing to Die

A few days ago, I posed a question. Do you have a Will? I wanted some honest feedback and wasn’t judging. Most of the responses were that the person had a Will. Based on my limited experience, I sense that many of those without a Will were silent.

I’ve been working on a project with a new colleague and friend, Cindy DiTiberio.  It’s safe to say that Cindy knows me inside and out due to our work on this project. She knows both the public and the private Garth. She stunned me with a question the other day and I have been contemplating it ever since she asked.

Lissa and I had been working with a lawyer, Sharon Ten, and preparing a lot of documents. All of these documents were what you’d consider “end of life” documents. We worked on a Will, Power of Attorney, Advanced Medical Directives, and a Trust. I am ashamed to say I have never had a Will drawn up.  Yes, I have been battling cancer since 2011 and didn’t have a Will. Not only that, I have had a child for over 14 years and didn’t have a Will!

Cindy asked, “How do you balance preparing to die with the fact that you're doing everything you can to live?”

Well! Huh! Crud!

Living. Fighting. Staying Positive.

Preparing for death. The end.

They aren’t contradictory. In fact, they are hardly related.

I’ve made it pretty clear that fighting is an important aspect of my life. Heck, if I weren’t fighting, you probably wouldn’t be reading this. I shared something with one of my nurses last week. I told her I firmly believed I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was on a path that I didn’t choose, but it held great importance to me. Part of my purpose is to be the most enthusiastic and positive cancer patient I can be.

I wake up every morning and choose to be positive.

It is a choice.

I grew up in a Funeral Director’s family. My dad owned the Callaghan Funeral Home. My maternal grandfather, Papa, owned the Keough & Son Funeral Home. Both Papa and my Uncle Ron ran that business. My cousin, Brendan, now co-owns the Butler-Keough Funeral Home in the same town.  Our family has been helping others with death and dying for over 80 years.

Death is an inevitable point in everyone’s life. Last I checked, we have a 100% chance of dying. We usually just don’t know the timing.

Even though it took a kick in the pants, I chose to prepare. My dad, ironically, didn’t. His Will was 40 years old when he died a few years ago. I am happy to say that we think we have done our best to legally protect the family in the event that one of us dies.

“How do you balance preparing to die with the fact that you're doing everything you can to live?”

I will die, someday. Let’s hope and pray it’s far into the future. In the meantime, I’ll fight like hell to beat this cancer.

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live." – Stuart Scott

Special thanks to Sharon Ten and the law firm of Bowen Ten Cardani, PC. They made the process easier than I expected and were incredibly thorough.

Again, thank you all for walking on this journey with me. I couldn’t do it alone.

Food Glorious Food

From Oliver, the musical:

Food Glorious Food

Is it worth the waiting for?
If we live 'til eighty four
All we ever get is gru...el!
Ev'ry day we say our prayer --
Will they change the bill of fare?

One of my biggest challenges while undergoing cancer treatment is something many of us take for granted: eating.

I have no desire to eat. The medicine suppresses my appetite. The medicine has altered my taste buds and most of the food I could eat tastes like wet cardboard. (Well, I am guessing. I am NOT a wet cardboard gourmet!) I used to love to eat spicy foods. I would eat at Thai restaurants and would shake my head when the servers offered me "American Hot." I wanted more heat! Now, if I eat anything that is higher than black pepper on the Scoville scale, I cry in pain. It's like putting shards of glass in my mouth.

I have a list of enjoyable foods that becomes smaller and smaller each day.

1. Applesauce
2. Red grapes
3. Bananas
4. Shrimp
5. Cream of Wheat
6. Strawberries
7. Costco frozen yogurt parfait
8. Green beans
9. Pears
10. Pineapples
11. Egg Drop Soup
12. Shrimp Fried Rice
13. Various cereals and milk
14. Homemade chicken soup
15. Arnold Palmers (Iced Tea mixed with Lemonade)
16. Eggs, but not scrambled. (Scrambled eggs fell of from the list a few weeks ago)

That's it.  Sixteen things that I look forward to eating.  Sheesh!

On top of the food and eating issue, my stomach is often upset. My intestines and colon aren't all to happy, either! So, why would I eat? The whole process is problematic! I really don't have much incentive to eat.

My wife, Lissa, is very focused on my nutritional and caloric intake. She can magically tell when I haven't eaten enough and appears out of nowhere with a snack or food. It's eerie. I know one of her tricks. My lips turn purple when I am not feeling well and that's one of the signs that I really should have eaten already. Honestly, if she's not there to remind me at times, I would skip eating until I passed out.

I've lost about 34 pounds since my surgery in October. I have lost 25ish since I started my meds in mid-February. The good news is that I really should have lost that weight anyway! I wouldn't necessarily recommend this method, but it is what it is.

I think this might be what some pregnant women feel like. Some foods look and smell completely disgusting to me. I actually had to leave the house once when we were making Turkey Burgers. How sad is that? My favorite foods - they are completely off of the list. I miss peanut butter. I miss salad.

Why am I sharing this? I am sharing this because I actually look forward to eating from my limited menu when I am hungry! It's a blessing to have this food. I will never take food for granted for the rest of my life. 

A special shout out to Little Szechuan Chinese Restaurant on Staples Mill Road in Glen Allen. I get Egg Drop Soup from them 3-4 days a week! They are directly responsible for a major amount of my caloric intake and I am eternally grateful! If you live in RVA, you should go eat there! Tell them I sent you!  

I'm done my cancer.

When I first moved to Virginia, my wife, Lissa, used to make fun of how I let her know I was finished with my cup of coffee.  She'd often ask if I needed more on her way into the kitchen and I'd simply reply, "I'm done my coffee." I don't know how that phrase became part of my vocabulary. It could be something I've always said from Northern New York, or some hybridization of German and English, or just poor grammar on my part that I never bothered to correct.  

I expected to hear interesting phrases from Lissa.  She's a true southerner, and I clearly heard a slight southern lilt in her voice when we first met. However, she never really uttered things I expected to hear in the south. She was never "fixin' to do something" nor did I ever hear "might could", but i have heard "bless his heart"* more than my fair share of times. 

*For those of you living outside of the southern United States, "bless your heart" is a polite euphemism for "you're an idiot!" 

I was chatting with a co-worker, a dear friend really, the other day. I was having a rough day. I've been actively fighting cancer for five months. I haven't been sleeping well. That, coupled with the side effects have made me a bit cranky. I don't have the energy levels I'm used to. I have lost over 20 pounds. I only have the desire to eat about a dozen types of food. Everything else makes me incredibly nauseous. 

I'm trying to balance fighting cancer, a job, my family, and Napkin Notes. 

I was tired that day. I was beyond worn out. 

I found myself slipping back into my old language. 

"I'm done my cancer." 

I couldn't sum it up any better. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of the naseua and diarrhea. I was tired of the fatigue and getting winded after walking up one short flight of stairs. In that moment, I looked at Katherine and couldn't contain myself. "I'm done my cancer." She understood. Although we haven't known each other very long, she's seen me as a healthy individual and as someone who is fighting for his life. She's seen my good days and my bad days.  

I felt badly as I left the office. I didn't want to be negative. Being positive actually requires a lot of effort and my positivity tank was running on fumes. 

I went to bed early and finally got some good sleep. I was able to shake it off. I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the world. It was a momentary lapse. I think I'm allowed. 

Why am I sharing this? I can't speak for all cancer patients. I know a few. Unfortunalty, the club gains new members each day. You probably know one or two yourself. Help that person. I can't tell you how to best help. It's different for each one of us. Maybe you can listen. Mow the lawn. Cook a dinner. Hold a hand. Give a hug. Ask how they're feeling. Don't ask how they're feeling. Pray. Rent a movie to watch. Give a book. Lend a hand. Support. 

Being positive is an important weapon in my cancer battle. Positivity needs refueling, too. 

I'm not asking for myself. I'm asking for the other 1.6 million new cancer patients that will be diagnosed in the U.S. this year. (I don't know the worldwide figures.) 

This cancer has no idea what it's up against. I am resolute. I'm back, ready for battle. I'm ready to keep kicking butt. 

I'm done my cancer. 

Pack. Write. Connect.  

Napkin Notes reaches Germany!

In the magazine "Herzstück" (meaning "Piece of the Heart") they share our story and some of the notes with their readers.

It is part of their cover-story, "love is the key".

Herzstück is all about finding inner strength, happiness and leading a better, more meaningful life with everyone and everything around us.

Vielen Dank!

A Fantastic Day!

I had an appointment with my doctor today. I know, you're shocked!  

It was a great visit. I learned a couple of things that are pretty amazing, but I am going to focus on one.  

I am responding to my medicine incredibly well. He considers me in the Top 10%! Most patients can keep their kidney cancer at bay with this medicine. The cancer in my body is on retreat and running fast.  

I told him it was because I was taking the special medicine. I don't know that he understood what I was saying. Frankly, my medicine is only a part of the army. The other parts are God, prayer, and positivity.  

Top 10%!  

Thank you for battling with me. I really appreciate your prayers, support, and friendship!